We came up with a new scale for how good or bad anything is. English has words like “fantastic”, “great”, “poor”, “awful” etc. Now these are all fine and good, but there is still not enough of a set subtly that would be widely understood. So this is our new scale. Number one is perfect and number 10 is as bad as something could possibly be.
- Seven Samurai (simply perfect)
- Pulp Fiction (game changing, brilliant)
- The Last Crusade (really good, entertaining, feel-good)
- Rocky (Good, will see anytime I’m sick)
- Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure (pretty fair, like it, not really good, but you can’t not like it)
- Office Space (you want to like it, but you can’t, a lot of people say it’s good, but you know it’s really not)
- Anaconda (good-bad, but you still like it because it’s bad)
- The Transporter (Simply terrible. There is no way you would watch this again sober)
- Plan 9 from Outer Space (So bad that it’s almost good again, but you know that it’s not)
- Manos hands of fate (Nothing could be worse without involving testicles and razor blades)
Now this may look like it would be difficult to work into conversation, but it really works quite well after you’ve gotten it down. You can actually FEEL the difference between the films. For example:
“How’re you feeling man?”
“Well I just ate a burrito from that Transporter looking place down the road, and it was totally much more Rocky than the Office Space I was expecting – taste wise that is… because now my stomach is feeling a little Anaconda-ish”
“Dude… you should of had some of my Pulp Fiction Publix sub!”
Easy right?
10. Matt Stone and Trey Parker
Tripping on LSD at the Academy Awards while wearing the dresses that Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Lopez had worn the previous year should be enough to put them on any list for any category of anything ever.
9. Jeremy Irons
His website is not only awesomely gaudy and ugly, but his portrayal of Simon in Die Hard 3 is what inspired me to become a super-villain.
8. William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy
If you think of these two great musicians as actors from Star Trek, then you have simply not lived.
7. John Stewart and Steven Colbert
Because they don’t even need writers. Well, they help, but I don’t have writers so I have to take them at their word.
6. Steve Jobs
Well he didn’t sanction this movie, but he worked for Atari, founded Apple, NeXT and Pixar… not bad for a guy who didn’t used to shower.
5. Hugh Laurie
Have a problem? Dr. House will solve it by medicating himself. And pick up a copy of Black Adder while your at it, the idiot Prince George will give you an idea of how good old Hugh really is.
4. Charlie Rose
For God’s sake! The man went on the air with a black eye because he dove to save his Mac Book Air! That is the kind of dedication I look for in my journalists.
3. Hayao Miyazaki
The god of animation, mind shatter recovery and Totoro! Life without this man would not be worth living.
2. Makoto Nagano and Kazuhiko Akiyama
After twenty seasons there have only been two winners of Ninja Warrior. TWO! IN TWENTY SEASONS! There is nothing like it in the United States, or anywhere else. Any other show would realize they need easier obstacles, but not the Japanese!
1. Alan Rickman
The man played Richis, Severus Snape, Marvin, The Metatron, Hans Gruber and the great, the magnificent, Sheriff of Nottingham. His career of evil, brooding characters who get to say things like “Because it’s DULL, you twit. It’ll hurt more” has made him the coolest human being alive.
